u 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


From  JONES' 


/ 


yfr 


Copyrigb      1 903 
by  Paul  Elder 


9 


The  Tomoy^  Press 

San   Francisco 


665890 


Good  Resolutions. 

John  woke  on  Jan.  fir^  and  felt  queer ; 

Said,  "  Crackers  I'll  swear  off  this  year  I 
For  the  lob^er  and  wine 
And  the  rabbit  were  fine, 

And  it  certainly  wasn't  the  beer. 


Beware  of  Rash  Judgments. 

A  dame  at  the  beaches  of  Florida, 
All  the  ladies  said  couldn't  be  horrider ; 

But  she  proved  them  all  wrong, 

And  she  said,  "  Go  along ! " 
While  the  climate  grew  torrid  and  torrider. 


January 
Janvier 8 


Flattery. 

Said  the  lady,     "  With  you  I'll  not  go, 
You're  reported  to  be  far  from  slow." 

Said  he,  turning  red, 

With  a  smile  quite  o'erspread — 
*'0  Madame,  don't  flatter  me  so!" 


January 
Janvier 16 

MJl ••  '7 

3anuar 18 


Enero 20 

^^V.?•-^?        21 

Gennaio 22 

^lavovapiog 23 


Lavishness. 

There  was  a  young  lady  named  Julie, 
Who  was  terribly  fond  of  patchouli; 
She  used  bottles  seven, 
*Til  she  smelt  up  to  heaven, 
Which  made  all  the  angels  unruly. 

® 

January 
Janvier 24 

3anuar 26 

27 

Enero 28 

^^V.?•--?         29 

Gennaio 30 

^lavovd^iog 31 


MEMORANDA 


The  Wicked  Punier. 

Said  a  sporty  young  person  named  Groat, 
Who  owned  an  old  race-horse  of  note, 

"  I  consider  it  smart 

To  lunch  a  la  cart, 
But  the  horse  always  takes  table  d'oat." 


© 


LUNCH  WAqCiV 

51 


fi<r7u<-, 


MEMORANDA 


The  Church-Goer. 


There  was  a  young  man  who  said, 
I  will  sneak  out  during  this  prayer!" 

But  the  squeak  of  his  shoes 

So  enlivened  the  pews, 
Tliat  he  sat  down  again  in  despair. 


February 


Fevrier 8 

^:l 9 


5elituar 10 


MEMORANDA 


Speak  Kindly. 

She's  so  homely  you'd  think  she  would  smother, 
And  her  back  view  is  juft  like  her  brother. 

Her  eyes  are  both  bent, 

And  her  nose  is  a  dent; 
But  then,  "  she's  so  good  to  her  mother! " 

® 


February 
Fevrier 15 


^JL 


16 


5cbruar  17 

18 


Febrero  19 

7^>. 20 

Febbraio 21 


® 


Feb. 


Good  Manners. 

There  was  a  young  person  of  Tottenhem, 
Whose  manners,  Good  Lord!  she'd  forgotten 
'em. 

When  she  went  to  the  vicar*s, 

She  took  off  her  knickers, 
Because  she  said  she  was  hot 


in  'em. 


Appearances  are  Deceitful. 

There  was  a  young  lady  of  Skye, 
With  a  shape  like  a  capital  I ; 

She  said,  "  It's  too  bad ! 

But  then  I  can  pad," — 
Which  shows  you  that  figures  can  He. 


March 


Tad. 

There  was  a  bright  person  named  Biddle, 
Who  asked  everybody  a  riddle. 

When  asked,  "Can  you  tell 

The  answer  as  well  ?  " 
He  replied,  "  1  begin  in  the  middle." 

(Q) 

March 


Mars 


8 


Sculpture. 

There  was  an  old  sculptor  named  Phidias, 
Whose  knowledge  of  Art  was  invidious. 
He  carved  Aphrodite 
Without  any  nightie  — 
^^^ich  ilartled  the  purely  fa^idious. 

0^  © 


March 


Intemperance. 

There  once  was  a  baker  named  Dunn, 
Who  always  was  out  for  the  fun, 

And  although  it  was  said 

He  was  very  well  bred, 
He  spent  all  his  dough  on  a  "bun"! 

March 

Mars 22 

M£.    23 

lTldr3 24 

'^§ 25 

Marzo 26 

^:/-/of    27 

MdpTiog 28      ^   '  ' 


The  Careful  Buyer. 

There  was  an  old  man  of  Madrid, 
"Who  went  to  an  audion  to  bid; 

He  bought,  if  you  please, 

A  case  of  old  cheese  — 
But  oh,  Gosh!  when  they  lifted  the  lid! 


A  Quiet  Life. 

An  Abbess  whom  all  did  admire. 
To  holiness  much  did  aspire. 

When  asked  to  a  ball, 

She  replied,  "Not  at  all; 
I've  another  engagement  that's  Prior." 

April 
Avril 1 

^^ 2 

Hpril 3 

^  {S^ 4 

Abril 5 

^y^^  6    .^^j 

Aprile 7 

■I 


r 


Gentleness. 

There  was  a  faar  meaden  of  Siam, 
Who  said  to  her  lover,  "  O  Priam, 
You  may  kiss  me,  of  course, 
But  you've  got  to  use  force  — 
And,  God  knows,  you  are  Wronger  than  I 


am! 


April 


^h 


Avril  . 

april  • 


8 

9 
10 
11 


Abril 12 

^y  i.    13 

Aprile 14 

'ATtptAtog 15 


,V»jCV/7 


® 


April 


Exasperation. 

There  was  an  old  person  named  Sam, 
Who  was  wearied  of  Omar  Khayyam. 
Fitzgerald,  you  know. 
Is  the  whole  of  the  show ; 
But  this  cult  and  this  music,  "  Oh,  d — ! " 


Abril 20 

^fi,    21 

Aprile 22 

'A7tpi/li05 23 


^. 


The  Kind  Beadle. 

There  was  an  old  lady  of  Threedle, 
Who  sat  down  in  church  on  a  needle ; 

Tho'  deeply  embedded, 

'Twas  luckily  threaded, 
And  quid 


MEMORANDA 


May 


Improper  Language. 

There  was  a  fair  maid  of  Oshkosh, 

Who  on  Tuesday  cried  out,  "Oh,  by  Gosh!" 

For  up  on  the  roof 

There  was  ocular  proof 
That  some  one  had  ^olen  the  wash. 


I 


May 


Mai 


Make  the  Be^  of  Adverse 
Circum^ances. 

There  was  a  young  person  named  Clyde, 
Who  was  once  at  a  funeral  espied. 

When  asked  who  was  dead, 

He  smilingly  said: 
"  I  don't  know  —  I  ju^  came  for  the  ride. 


Devotion. 


There  once  was  a  fellow  mo^  kind, 
Who,  when  loving,  went  at  it  quite  blind. 

He  said,  "That's  all  right, 

But  she's  so  out  of  sight 
That  I  can't  keep  her  out  of  my  mind ! " 


May 


Always  Save  for  a  Rainy  Day. 

There  was  a  young  lady  named  Jane, 
Who  went  out  to  walk  in  the  rain; 

Her  skirts  were  so  lacey 

It  really  was  racey, 
And  drove  all  the  chappies  insane. 


'I  't 


May 


Be  Careful. 

There  was  a  young  man  from  the  Cape, 
Who  always  wore  trousers  of  crepe. 
When  asked,  "Do  they  tear?" 
He  replied,  "Here  and  there — 
But  they  keep  such  a  wonderful  shape." 


May 


M 


ai 


29 


Seize  Opportunities. 

There  was  an  old  lady  of  Lee, 
Who  invited  the  curate  to  tea. 
He  said,  "You  quite  shine 
In  the  housewifely  line." 
"Oh,  this  is  so  sudden!"  said  she. 


J 


une 


\ 


Seek  After  Knowledge. 

A  man  with  the  brain  of  a  linnet 
Asked  forty-two  que^ions  a  minute. 

When  they  said,  "  Mind  your  biz!" 

He  said,  "  Ejivy  it  is, 
'Cause  you  know  ju^  how  ^ricftly  I'm  in  it* 


Resped  for  Age. 

There  was  an  old  beau  of  Formosa, 
Who  ne'er  was  content  with  a  "No, sah! 

The  ^rength  of  his  arm 

Oft  excited  alarm. 
And  his  motto  was  "  closah  and  closah." 

© 


June 


Juin 

3um 


16 

17 
18 
19 


Junio 20 

yri^, 21 

Giugno 22 

"lovvioc, 23 


® 


O  C  / 


® 


Uncertainty. 

A  iady  once  had  a  bad  habit: 

She  couldn't  see  cheese  but  she'd  nab  it 

She  said,  "  Memory  fails — 

Is  the  rabbit  from  Wales? 
Or  do  'the  wails  come  from  the  rabbit  ? ' 


r*K* 


Retort  Courteous. 

There  was  a  young  lady  of  W 
Who  walked  all  through  Sco 
on  ^ilts. 
When  they  said,  "Oh,  h 

shocking, 
To  see  so  much  locking! 
She  said,  "  How  about  you  an 
your  kilts?"  jss\ 


July 


July 


Generosity. 

There  was  a  young  lady  of  Venice, 
Who  used  hard-boiled  eggs  to  play  tennis. 

When  they  cried,  "  You  are  wrong ! " 

She  replied,  "Go  along  — 
You  don't  know  how  prolific  my  hen  is." 


4ujk-j:? 


MEMORANDA 


Art. 

There  was  a  fair  dame  whose  manceuvre 
Was  to  get  her  portrait  in  the  Louvre ; 

But  they  sent  it  away 

The  very  fir^  day  — 
And  it's  now  in  a  dive  in  Vancouvre. 


kM^im^ 


July 


Comparisons  are  Odious. 

A  talented  arti^  (Ed  Lanseer), 
Said,  "Beau   Brummel,   I  won't  paint  the$e 
pants  here; 

I  assure  you,  I  can't  see 

That  they  are  so  fancy  — 
Why,  la^  week  I  saw  a  dog-fancier." 


Juillet 

3uU    . 


July 


22 

23 
24 


Julio 


^y-^-ci 


Lugl 


lO 


25 
26 
27 
28 


vOi 


Inspiration. 

An  old  person  who  lived  by  his  pen, 
Cried,  "Goody I  I've  got  *em  again! 

A  poem  I'll  write, 

*Bout  the  dawning  of  night, 
That  will  easily  collar  a  ten  1 " 


'  >' 


Aug. 


Popularity. 

A  musician  there  was  —  Paderewski  — 
Who  never  would  drink  nor  would  chewski; 

As  a  Matine^  blade, 

He  made  Hackett  afraid, 
And  quite  broke  the  heart  of  John  Drewski. 


Auguft 


Truth. 

There  was  a  young  lady  named  Maude, 
Who  said  she  was  "awfully  boahed," 

For  all  men  she  hated, 

Both  single  and  mated  — 
But  in  the  dark  comers  —  Good  Lawd  I 


A  Good  Girl. 

Eliza  she  never  was  nifty. 

She  was  kindly  and  gentle  and  thrifty; 
She  gave  poor  people  pies, 
And  she  never  made  eyes — 

But  then — she  was  seven  and  fifty! 

O 

Augu^ 
Aout 16 

/l^^ 17 

auguft 18 

J)@) 19 

Agosto 20 

yfi,'^i 21 

Ago^o 22 

Ai3)/oi;crTo$  ....••  23 


Do  Not  be  Persi^ent. 

There  once  was  a  promising  hound, 
The  fleeteil  that  ever  was  found ; 
But  his  friends  all  declare. 
That  when  chasing  the  hare, 
He  was  running  things  into  the  ground. 

® 


Augu^ 

Aout 24 

>g>^ 25 

Huguft 26 

(^  Wfc^ 27 

Agosto 28 

y^iy-^t 29 

Ago^o 30 

AvyoixJTog 31 


Never  Swear. 

A  kindly  old  person  named  Tom, 
Manufadlured  a  dynamite  bomb. 

One  day  in  annoy, 

He  cafl  it  at  a  boy, — 
Saying,  "Gracious!    I  nearly  said  DomnI** 

Q 

September 
Septembre 1 

/I  A 2 

September 3 

.y 4 

Setiembre 5 

•'/< 6  ^^^, 

Settembre    7 

O 


Self-Sufficiency. 

There  was  a  young  damsel  named  Nell, 
Who  considered  herself  quite  a  belle. 

She  sat  on  the  sand, 

And  held  her  own  hand, 
And  never  got  on  to  the  swell. 


The  Young  Nimrod. 

Young  Henry  went  out  for  to  shoot, 
With  a  gun  and  a  high  rubber  boot; 

He  shot  an  old  goat, 

A  guide  and  a  shoat  — 
But  he's  be^  when  he's  shooting  the  chute. 


September 
Septembre 15 

^A 16 

September 17 


Setiembre 19 

•^/•<    20 

Settembre    21 

^enri^S^Log 22 


r^$^ 


Foresight. 

There  was  an  old  man  of  Tarrentum, 
Who  sat  on  his  false  teeth  and  bent  *um 
When  asked  what  he'd  lo^, 
And  what  they  had  co^, 
He  replied,  "  I  don't  know,  I  juit  rent  'um.' 


© 


September 
Septembre  . 

September  • 

Setiembre 

•^/-^    .  .  . 

Settembre    • 


There  was  a  fair  charmer  named  Jones, 
And  the  lions  from  various  zones 

At  her  house  came  and  roared 

In  a  beautiful  chord, 
As  she  fed  them  elaborate  bones. 


At  a  Cursory  Glance. 

A  curate  once  smote  at  a  tee, 
And  threw  his  new  club  up  a  tree, 

Saying,  "  Fie  1 1  My!!  Oh.  dear  II! 

I  mu^  give  up,  I  fear. 
Either  golf  or  the  mini^ree ! " 


MEMORANDA 


Od. 


High  Ideals. 


There  was  a  young  man  who  said,  "  Oh, 
Why,  lucre's  so  filthy  and  low ! " 

But  his  friends  said,  "Oh,  shoo! 

That's  too  good  to  be  true  — 
You  can  bet  that  he's  after  the  dough ! " 


I 


MORANDA 


Compensation. 

There  was  a  fair  girl  named  Elaine, 
Who,  one  March  day,  went  out 
dressed  en  train; 
The  wind  tried  to  be  rude, 
But  her  co^ume  was  glued  — 
*Tis  better  sometimes  to  be  vain. 

© 


0(5tober 

Octobre 24 

^+  25 

(Dftober 26 

27 

Octubre 28 

-^f^^ 29 

Ottobre     30 

'Ovriki^piog 31 


•  •1 


\m 


Nov. 


The  Lovers. 

A  lover  in  China,  named  Kin, 
Sang  soft  serenades  with  great  din; 

With  his  eye  to  a  crack 

In  the  wall  at  the  back  — 
And  they  said,  "'Tis  the  lute  of  Peek-in!' 


November 
Novembre  .... 


Don't  Be  a  Rounder. 

There  was  a  fair  maid  named  O'Neil, 
Who  went  up  in  the  great  Ferris  Wheel ; 
On  the  thirty-fourth  round 
She  looked  down  at  the  ground  — 
^d  it  co^  her  an  80-cent  meal. 

© 


November 
Novembre 8 

^-f 9 

tloDembcr 10 

(^  ^M 11 

Noviembre 12 

v^i^-^^-l:^     13 

Novembre 14 


As  they  punched  his  nose  flat, 
And  shot  all  the  checks  off  his  veil. 


November 
Novembre |5 

M^f 16 

Itooember 17 

®  H"-:? 18 

Noviembre 19 

'?^i,->j.i,-      20 

Novembre 21 


Perseverance. 

There  was  an  old  person  named  Tate. 
Who  out  fishing  went  early  and  late. 

When  the  fish  gave  a  tug, 

Then  he  pulled  on  the  jug, 
And  the  thing  that  he  caught  was  a  skate. 


t(  8i  II 


November 
Novembre 23 

M'f 24 

tlooembet 25 

■®  ® 26 

Noviembre  27 

'>/i->^.^-    28 

Novembre 29 

NofM^'pm,    30 


Dec. 


Mode^. 

There  once  was  a  sensitive  bride, 
Who  ran  when  the  groom  she  espied. 

When  they  put  on  her  veil 

She  set  up  a  wail. 
And  when  the  prie^  blessed  her,  she  cried. 

(Q) 

December 


Decembre 


Know  Your  True  Worth. 


Said  a  Roofer,  "I'd  have  you  all  know 
I  am  nearly  the  whole  of  the  show ; 

Why,  the  Sun  every  mom 

Gets  up  with  the  dawn 
For  the  purpose  of  hearing  me  crow!" 

(Q) 


December 
Decern  bre 8 

Dc3embcr 

®  @ 
Diciembre 


Dec. 


A  Good  Reason. 

There  was  a  young  man  of  Fort  Blainey, 
Who  proposed  to  a  typiil  named  Janey; 

When  his  friends  cried,  "  Oh,  dear ! 

She's  so  old  and  so  queer!" 
He  replied,  "  But  the  day  was  so  rainy ! " 


Decembre 15 


Reckl 


iessness. 


a 


Sir  Guy  was  an  amorous  knight, 
Who  coilumed  himself  in  a  tight 

It  was  taking  a  chance 

To  go  without  pants, 
In  case  the  mosquitoes  should  bite. 


???5f=^ 


S,-C^J^  Mt. 


Dec. 


Thrift. 

There  was  a  good  dame  of  Cape  Horn, 
Whose  clothing  was  tattered  and  torn. 
She  remarked,  debonnaire. 
As  she  pinned  up  her  hair: 
"  Three  bargains  I  purchased  this  morn." 

® 

December 
Decembre 29 

M^^ 30 

De3ember 31 


F»  i^<'5. 


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